Kinky Sex Ed With Isaac Cross – BDSM and Nonmonogamy

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Sex Education with Isaac Cross

How often do you get free education? In this episode, Isaac Cross stops by the studio to share condensed versions of two classes he teaches at CAL Center For Alternative Lifestyles. Isaac is the founder of CAL, a Colorado organization committed to providing support for members of alternative lifestyle communities. He specializes in nontraditional relationships, kink, BDSM, and all flavors of LGBTQ identity.

(Note: This episode contains a wealth of information and helpful resources. Scroll to the bottom for links.)

Different styles of relationships

Isaac is well-versed in nonmonogamy (sometimes spelled “non-monogamy” or “non monogamy”) and its various forms. Did you know there’s a difference in Polyamory and Swinging, or that they aren’t mutually exclusive? It’s more than just semantics. If open relationships aren’t your cup of tea – or aren’t subversive enough – maybe you should consider Relationship Anarchy. (I hear gunshots and sirens every time I type that.) Relationship Anarchists are taking things so far as to say, “It’s not just about questioning monogamy, it’s about stripping all ‘accepted’ meaning from relationships.”

Kink 101

Are you kinky? Do you like “kinky” sex? For non-kinky people, this probably means fuzzy handcuffs or doggystyle.  For kinky people, this could mean literally anything. Isaac does a great job of describing the kink scene in broad strokes for those who are new to it, or just curious. We cover everything from definitions and terminology to what to expect when you visit a BDSM dungeon for the first time. Kink and BDSM are often stigmatized as paraphilia (or literal mental disorders) but are gaining recognition as simply a difference in taste, and not an actual indicator of incorrect of unacceptable behavior.

Say what you will about Fifty Shades of Grey, but it did bring kink and BDSM into the mainstream conversation about sexuality. It got a lot of people interested and many of those people are graduating from fuzzy handcuffs to impact play, rope bondage, needles and blood play, and various forms of pet play. All of these activities can be thrilling and packed with endorphins, but must be respected and practiced respectfully as well. There are real physical and psychological risks to many of these activities and some very basic education is all you need to practice safely. Isaac is here to give you that education. “Top-drop” and “sub-space” are among the more common emotional states resulting from BDSM activities. Listen and learn what to expect and how to manage those intense feelings following a scene.

Physical and Emotional Health

Think what you do in the bedroom stays in the bedroom? Unfortunately that’s rarely the case. One thing to consider when you get involved with kink and BDSM is that rough play sometimes leaves a mark. In fact, many wear those bruises and rope burns like a badge of honor. Spend a few minutes on Fetlife (the Facebook for kinksters) if you don’t believe me.

Yes, those bruises are a result of consensual rough play. No, your doctor doesn’t always believe you when you tell her it was consensual. She definitely doesn’t believe you when you make up a story about falling down several flights of stairs with an armful of bowling balls. Doctors are required by law to report abuse. You could find yourself in the middle of some domestic violence drama, without the domestic violence. If you have access to good bdsm or bondage education, your instructor might recommend you talk with your doctor about your lifestyle, ahead of time. If they’re unable to accept it, find a new doctor. The same goes for mental healthcare.

Not all therapists and counselors are created equal. Many, in fact, are judgmental and disapproving of nontraditional relationships and sexuality. Therapists also have an obligation to report abuse. We may be slowly coming around as a society, when it comes to acceptance – or not. As I type that I’m reminded of a news cycle that might as well be 80 years old. The truth is, there’s no time to wait for others to catch up.

Good news: there are already likeminded folks at the professional level as well. It’s just a matter of arming yourself with knowledge and getting connected with the right care providers. In this episodes, Isaac shares some great information on finding those people.

Resources:

For more reading on non monogamy check out Franklin Veaux‘s website and book – both of which are gold-standard in the lifestyle community.

The Ethical Slut is also a famous book that deserves credit for both its message and for helping normalize a very ugly, judgmental word.

Opening Up is one of the most famous books by one of the most well-known experts in nonmonogamy, Tristin Taormino. (She has a great podcast too.)

Check out The Denver Sanctuary next time you’re in Colorado. Or, browse their site for great videos on rules and etiquette while attending events in an actual sex dungeon.

Create a profile on Fetlife (Facebook for kinky people) and start connecting with other weirdos and events.

Oh Joy Sex Toy is maybe my favorite resource for sex education (and general entertainment). Sex positivity and helpful knowledge are beautifully packaged in hand drawn comics that will make it impossible for you not to smile.

For physical and mental healthcare, check out Caras Research and Tashra Clinicians’ Guide to Care of Kinky Patients. Both are very professional and will arm you with professional information you can share with your doctor.

You can find a therapist specializing in alternative lifestyles and kink through Kink Aware Professionals. We highly recommend guest host and friend of the show, Indigo Stray Conger.

And lastly, go say hi to our guest, Isaac Cross, on his site XCBDSM.com

About the author, Ben

1 Comment

  1. BJ wordinger on 10/06/2017 at 12:47 PM

    I love hearing people talking anout the alternative Lifestyles with out appologyzing. Thank you. I have been living it and proud of it for over 35 years.
    Keep up the good work, oh and by the way I agree our life is less alternative then most want to admit.

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